Being home away from home

The first thing I did when I returned back from my flight of beauty and bliss was redoing my room. I felt that I had reconstructed my attic level of myself in terms of how I thought and see my day to day life. I found no better way to parallel my metaphysical adjustment with a tangible, more visual association, the place where I slumber and snuggle with my stuffed animals. The physical remodel began and I was feeling positive about what I had started and where it may end up, of which I had no idea. Just knew that a make over was in order, and this was the best I could think of. My art pieces from South America went up, old dusty clothes went out, and in came a much more comfortable acknowledgement of what I feel confident associating myself with. It does seem strange that you are defined by what is around you, friends, parents, music, clothes, smell, feelings, things that seemingly make up a person. But how do we as people remain consistently aware of what feels good or not? How is it that someone could de rail off the tracks of natural sensitivity to what feels good? Why is it that we settle for decisions and realities that we knowingly feel isn’t right? I understand we all have to make sacrifices for whats best whether it be or friends or families, society or the “greater good”, but at what point do you feel alright about saying, “hey, I know this may not be whats best for me now, but its all for whats down the road, looking ahead for whats to come”. Who is to judge what is to come, be entirely sure about the karma of societal assumptions that you are making on your life? I was watching pirates of the caribbean three the other day, which I have to say is on of the more pleasurable movies to quote ranging from my beast from out east Captain Barbosa with the timeless: “THANK YA JACKKKKKKK” or, the swaggering man of all our dreams Jackie Sparrow: “ALL WITHOUT EVEN A SINGLE DROP OF RUM”, but one thing that stuck with me is that throughout the whole movie is that a majority of the progression in the characters story lines and the movie itself as a whole was based on the trust from one pirate to another, and most all the time one pirate totally fucked and disowned the agreement that was made! It was like SHIT! My dude just put so much on the line for this person just to fuck with him and not follow through!  At what point does someone just say, “damn, I just need this and let me ask the world”, rather than going through so many little hoops of life bargaining. Following a dream is tough when you don’t know what that dream is to follow, something too vague like “making people happy” isn’t something that you can just wake up one morning and be like, “oooooo” today I am going to make people happy. You can’t control it, it isn’t up to you, you can try your best, but if you are so reliant on others happiness for your own, you aren’t really controlling your own happiness at all. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? I am not sure, but it is comforting to know there will always be those lock, 100% associations with an uncontainable smile. For me, South America taught me that they aren’t always what you think they are, and that is the beautiful thing about waking up in the morning, you never really know what is going to happen when your feet hit the ground.

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